Finding Fulfillment

I like it when blogs are real, when the writers share their struggles; whether they're in the midst of them and are looking for support, or are just coming out of them and are sharing their story and advice how to emerge from a rough time. But it's hard to know when is the time to share your struggles, or if you can even form them into a cohesive post so that people can understand what your personal struggles are.

Last night I had a great conversation with my in laws, and I've had many recently with Hal about how I just feel lost.

In Cambodia I felt so full of purpose and I loved what I was doing, maybe not everyday, but overall I loved it. Since we've been back I haven't felt like that. It has made me remember all of the reasons we left here in the first place. It has made me feel lost in wondering what is my purpose other than working at a job I hate to support my husband through school. Of course that is a good purpose, and I know Hal is really grateful that I am sacrificing for him, and he has been supportive of my struggle with this, but I just need something more, you know?

So when you feel lost, how do you find yourself again? It's so easy to make yourself feel complacent with tv or Internet or books in your free time, to make yourself forget that you aren't fulfilling something within you.

I guess that's the hardest part, I don't feel fulfilled. There is a part of me that just wants to create something beautiful. I'm not exactly one to be amazing at making crafts, they usually turn out sub par, but I still like doing them. But just doing a craft here and there isn't enough anymore. I find something that I can consistently enjoy doing.

Only I can change this. If I don't feel fulfilled, I need to do something about it other than distracting myself, or wallowing.

So I've started a search to find something I am passionate about. I wool felted elbow patches on my sweater the other day. My mother in law bought me all of the supplies necessary to learn to tat. These are things that have made me feel excited, and have potential.

I may have not found my passion yet, but I'm searching for it, and it's the closest I've felt to fulfillment since I've been back.

If you have found your passion, how did you find it? How have you found fulfillment in your life? 

2013 Resolutions

Happy 2013 everyone!

Guys, I'm real behind on blogging. Like it's January and I haven't even blogged about things before Christmas, or even Christmas for that matter.

But it's January and I'm loving all of the resolution posts because I realized I didn't set one single goal last year. Now I'm kind of bummed I didn't.

I remember as a kid my parents would call each of us into their bedroom and we'd have to set goals with them and they would write them down. I dreaded it as a kid, but I kind of love that now as an adult. Isn't that the way it always goes?

So lets pretend I have already blogged Christmas and I'm ready to blog some resolutions, because it feels really good when you're able to accomplish them. I'll set 6 goals, essentially one for every two months to make it easier to take stock of my progress throughout the year.

1. Get a new job: My job is a job, is a job. But it's a really boring job. They don't really have enough work for me to do and it's killing all of the motivation that exists in my life.

2. Find something to fulfill my creative need: Don't you just have something inside of you that yearns to create something beautiful. Well, my crafts don't always turn out beautiful, so I want to find something I love to do, and that I can do well.

3. Read 50 books: Why is everyone's goal 50? Oh well, I'll stay on the bandwagon. I probably read 50 last year. I've read close to 20 since August, so hopefully I can do it again next year. This will be a breeze depending on how long it takes me to reach goal 1. I read a lot at my job.

4. Attend the Temple once a month: Guys, I'm ready to hang my head in shame and admit I haven't been to the temple since I've been back. Not for lack of trying. We checked online, and we went, and it was closed. boo. We've never been great about this, but I hope making it a resolution will help.

5. Make more friends:  I work to maintain the friends I have, but it's hard to see my friends from high school as we've gotten older and had kids (them, not me) and moved further away. Really, it's hard to make friends, but I'm ready for the challenge. Have any ideas to share on how you've made new friends in the last few years? Please share them.

6. Explore my town/be less lazy: This is a two part goal that works together. I'm naturally very lazy, so it's easy to get into a rut with coming home and watching gossip girl until bedtime. This next year I really want to take advantage of the great things this valley offers and go to more events around town and get out of the house a little more. Hopefully this will also help our bodies be more active as well. I guess this is my way of seeking adventure on a budget.

So there they are. My plan is, since there are 6 of them, once a month or once every two months see where I'm at and see what I've done and haven't done.

Good luck to all of our with your 2013 goals!

Bringing in the New Year

So I figured I should make one last post for 2009, to say goodbye, since you know, we've become good friends over the past 364 days, and I don't want to be a jerk and ignore 2009 while I have a party to welcome 2010.

I really don't like New Year's resolutions. I have pretty much always disliked them in fact. When we were little we would have to go into my parents room alone and make resolutions with them, and I hated it. Even if I could think of something, I wanted to make plans all on my own, ok? What if I like getting really excited about a new idea or a new goal and then I don't ever do anything about it? Maybe I don't like the new year shoving in my face all of the things I didn't complete while I am trying to party the night away. Maybe that's how I roll. Actually, that's not really how I roll... for the most part.

I told Hal I was making a New Year's resolution for him. So here is Hal's New Year resolution...
Wear my nightgaurd every night.

He grinds his teeth like a mad man and it drives me nuts, in fact, it wakes me up sometimes because he's grinding so hard. He said instead we should save up and have him do this therapy while you're asleep thing to cure him of it. He said it worked for his little brother. Question, how does anyone know, his little brother sleeps alone...So I told him he should make a resolution in the meantime so he doesn't destroy his teeth, and especially since we just paid a butt load to fix up my teeth from all the years I didn't go to the dentist. But now I am good and take care of my teeth, since they cost so much, so I just want Hal to jump on the bandwagon too. Geeze Hal, why can't you just be a follower sometimes?

So maybe there are some things I want to work on in the next year, but since I hate making resolutions...let's call them something else. Let's call them good ideas if you do these things in 2010, but not the end of the world if you don't do them. Good title, no?

-Actually use the expensive running shoes that I got on mega sale

-Take the boys to the rec center since the pass was bought for us to take them

-Learn to sew on my new sewing machine

-Make dinner almost every night

-Make healthy meals

-Hal is a touch person, so I will try and remember that and give him the attention he needs, in his love language, not mine.

-This is one I am already working on: Letting it go. I have already seen such an improvement in mine and Hal's relationship from not sweating the small stuff.

-For those of you who don't know I have a little bit of an OCD problem, mainly dealing with organization in my head, so I am going to try and be more flexible, and not freak out or freeze up when my organizational plan doesn't work out. (this one will be my hardest, so that's why I said try:) )

-Finish working out our budget, get the cash envelope system working, and STICK TO IT!

-Find a new full time job

Alright, I think those are all of the things that I may or may not accomplish in the next year.
Can you believe another decade is already gone? We are having games at my dad's house tonight, so he doesn't have to be alone. Last year was our first New Years together and we both fell asleep watching 30 Rock. Lame sauce. I won't fall asleep this year!

Where was I in 1999? Let see, I was 12 and we had just moved to Utah from Washington and I had made a few friends because *dork alert* we all loved Sailor Moon. Pretty sure that is the year that I became friends with Heather, man, weird to think we have been friends for 10 years now. It was nice since I had just left all of my close friends back in Washington 2 months earlier...on a side note, I am so excited, because for the first time in 10 years I will actually live in the same state as my childhood bestie, and I get to meet her husband and little baby boy when they move to Utah County next month....

Life was full of big changes for me 10 years ago, I was in middle school with a bunch of people who didn't use their Ts and I didn't know anything about the area (my teacher asked if I had ever seen the Rocky Mountains and when I said ummmm no, he told me to look out the window. Ouch. Man, 7th grade Utah Studies with Mr. Otto was hard). I have also undergone a lot more changes within the last year from graduating and hitting the job market and my husband getting further along in school, but I'd say it's been a pretty fantastic year.

I hope you all have a fantastic night finishing out 2009, and enjoy ringing in the New Year, and the New Decade. So, farewell 2009, you've been good, and bad, but probably mostly good, so if you were a person you probably would have gotten a Christmas present from Santa, but you're not so instead, you get to be looked back on fondly.