Sunday, September 7, 2014

Seeing the good in the bad

It's interesting how reminiscing and reliving moments of your life re-spark the passion and the emotions you you felt during those times.

Tonight Hal asked me a question about my mother's death. Seemingly out of no where he just wanted to know more about it, so I told him my story.

My story of losing my mother unexpectedly at 19. To waking up to my dad calling my name in the you better get here right now tone. I thought I was trouble for not doing the dishes. Instead I heard him on the phone with 911 saying he thought she had had a stroke. In that moment our lives forever changed. She didn't have a stroke. She had a large brain aneurysm that she had likely had since she was a young girl. And my little brother and I held the dog back and watched in frozen, terrified horror as the paramedics carried our mother out of the house and we locked eyes with her, not knowing it was the last time we'd see her awake.

I lost my mother at too early an age.

But I also gained so much. I gained a stronger relationship with my dad, who is the best dad I could ask for. I gained a closer relationship with all of my siblings. We have all taken on a little different roles than we had might our mother still be alive. We've learned to laugh more together and appreciate our time together. Still one of my favorite memories as a family is introducing my family to Brian Regan while we waited endless hours in hospital waiting rooms. Those moments of laughing together helped ease the burden we were all feeling.

I gained the appreciation for spending time with family and the confidence to end an unhealthy relationship.

But most of all I gained a relationship with God that I will never give up and could never deny. There were moments where I had blessings where God literally answered the questions plaguing my mind.

There were days where I felt like the loneliest, saddest person on the planet, and in those moments sometimes I felt like all I had was god beside me, comforting me, assuring me I would see my mother again some day.

My mother used to come home from work late at night and we'd both be the only ones still awake in the house and she would come sit on my bed and just talk to me. These some of my most cherished memories of my mother. But they also led for some very lonely nights after her death. In some of those moments I could feel her presence right beside me, reassuring me that she is still aware of me.

While I don't wish I had lost my mother so early, I try to look at the positive things that come out of a really crappy situation. It can be so easy to be negative or willow, so I try to remind myself that if good can come out of one of the worst things I've been through, then good is probably happening all around me, all the time.

I know that this is a very person post, and I understand if it's hard to read, but sometimes emotions are overwhelming, and just need to find a way out. 


Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I've always wondered about your mom cause you hardly talk about it. I'm so sorry that you had to lose her at such a young age. I can't even imagine.

Tanika Rice said...

I didn't even know you lost your mom. I am so sorry :( Not to make a very serious post about me, but I am so scared that I or Daniel have an aneurysm and that's how we will go. Terrifies me, to be quite honest and I am SO sorry that is your reality.

Heather Sander said...

Anytime you talk about your mom, I get all choked up. She was a great person. I vividly remember that phone call... and how heartbreaking it all was.

I'm glad that your family is close and you have such a great relationship with your siblings. It has always been something I've admired about your family and something that I've always been jealous of.

<3 Love you, Sam.

Krysten Quiles said...

This post is both so tragic and so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Mama Rachel said...

Beautiful-- thank you so much for sharing!

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