Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Growing Into a Good Marriage

I read this article today and was blown away by how good it was, please go read the link on their actual blog so they get the credit for it.
Top 10 Rules Every Marriage Should Live By, Gay or Straight.

This post hit on something I've been thinking about for a little while, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to post about it. Someone commented a little while ago on how Hal and I have a good marriage, and we interact well with each other. It really made me stop and realize how our marriage has evolved over the years to be the best it's ever been.

It's not easy to have a good marriage. It takes hard work, commitment, support, love and so much more. Sometimes it's hard to talk about relationships in today's internet world. It seems like either people are writing about how they hate relationships after a failed one, or how they have the perfect life. Well, I don't have either of those, and all I have to go off of is my own experience, so that's what you get.
Hal and I didn't live together before we got married. Neither of us had ever been in a relationship as serious as ours. It was all totally new to us, and it took a lot of trial and error. Our first year of marriage was so fun in some ways, but in a lot of ways it was the hardest year of our marriage. There were definitely lots of tears and fights involved. But five years later we've learned from every single one of those fights.

-We learned it's important to know each other's strengths and weaknesses and rely on each other in those moments of weaknesses and buoy each other in those moments of strength. I for example, have blood sugar problems, and if I get too hungry, it's a real problem. This is where Hal steps in and just chooses food for me, and isn't afraid to tell me to stop talking, because I'm talking mean out of hunger.
-We learned that you can't ever take things back that you say in Anger. You can say sorry, but those words are still there. This is something every relationship struggles with. The biggest thing we've found that helps is to tell the other person to stop talking. I never tell Hal to shut up, except for when he's talking out of anger, so if I'm telling him to shut up, he knows I mean it. Don't be afraid to tell your spouse to shut up over and over. It's better to stop the words before they're said.
-We learned that you have to continually date each other and plan romantic things, and romantic times to keep the relationship happy.  Scheduling romantic time or bedroom time might seem sad and devoid of romance, but it's so much better than it never happening.
-We learned that it's important to realize how the other person deals with/ processes fights, and to be aware of that. For example, Hal always wants to go to bed after a fight, because he sleeps it off. That used to drive me crazy, because he would want to go to bed, but I wanted to talk about it, because that's how I deal with it. Sometimes Hal has to sacrifice and stay up with me talking it out, and sometimes I just have to let Hal go to bed and we'll talk about it the next day. But just knowing that's how he deals with fights, makes it easier for me to deal with when it happens.
-We learned that you have to be open. I can't stress this one enough. It's been really important in our marriage, and a big struggle for me. It is important to be open so that your spouse feels like they can talk to you about anything. Relationships are so much about communication, and if you're not open, and your spouse feels like they can't talk to you, then they might find someone else they can talk to.
Our relationship isn't perfect, and we still have a lot to learn, but these things have worked to transform our relationship. And please, go read this article, it's full of amazing suggestions that I can definitely attest to.

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Torrie said...

I really love this---I think it's important that everyone be realistic about marriage. So often on blogs, it does seem "picture perfect," but like you said, marriage takes work, and there are days when both people are not at their best. But what I love about marriage is how much getting through that hard stuff brings you both closer together.

Now I'll have to go check out that article :)

Tanika Rice said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE how realistic you are. I don't like posts where people say "we are perfect. blaaah" and it's like...girl. No. lol. It's so refreshing!

Rachel said...

I'm convinced that marriage is definitely a learning process. Man--our first year of marriage was fun...but it was by far the most tumultuous, shall we say. And those angry words hold their sting for far too long. But I'm glad that we're both open to learning and growing and adjusting. It can take some time--but I'm looking forward to many more years of learning, and I'm happy to look back and see how far we've come already.

Selma @ Crazy Little World Of Mine said...

Love this. And yes on being open and able to talk about anything. :)

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