Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Married Love

In Honor of Valentines Day Tomorrow I'm talking about love. Real Love.

You know how when you're dating and engaged and recently married you're a crazy person? We all in agreement on this one? Love at that point in time is like a drug. You're flying high for the whole world to see and it's awesome.
But what happens when that starts to wear off ?What happens when you're going though a rough patch in your relationship? What happens in the depth of your sadness when you look at your spouse and wonder "did we do this the right way?" "Can we fix this?"

Everyone will tell you marriage is work. I think most people understand that concept when they enter into a marriage. But at least I don't didn't realize how much work marriage can be sometimes.

Every marriage has those moments where you're both slipping, when you're busy, or hormonal, or stressed, or depressed or whatever it is, but all of the sudden you look at each other and realize that there's space between you that you didn't realize was there.
This happened to us recently. So what do you do when this happens? One of you needs to suck it up, put yourself on the line and have the talk. "How are we gonna fix this?" "What are you feeling?" "What am I feeling?"

I think for the first time in our marriage we had the best "the talk" we've ever had. Together we identified things we were each doing that was making the other feel hurt, unloved, annoyed, or any other host of emotions. Things had to change. It couldn't just be a talk where we say I'm sorry I'll try to be better and a week later you forget and slowly you stop trying. This had to be a 'I'm making a commitment to you to help make this a better marrige' talk.

So we wrote letters to each other. We each committed to a list of things of our own choosing, we signed and dated it. We have them displayed on our dresser so I can see them when I'm putting my makeup on in the morning; or Hal can see them when he's pulling a sweater out of the dresser. They are a visual reminder of our commitment to each other to make things better.

We're reminded that we each chose to be more positive people. To be more mindful. To not save a happy face for other people and take all of our hardships out on each other. To be happy and supportive of each other's pursuits even when we don't always want to be.
And you know, this time it feels really different. Maybe because we're both giving it our all. We're both working for a happier marriage, and you know what? We've had a happier marriage as a result. Funny how when you're both conscious each other's happiness all of the sudden you realize you too are happy. Blissfully marriedly happy.

I think relationships need reevaluating. Before the space grows so large you no longer can effectively communicate. Before one of you gives up because the space feels too large to overcome. Communication is key to a marriage.

When you're both working towards good all of the sudden you look at each other and think "Heck Yeah, this is fun. I love the way our relationship is going." So even though it's not twitterpaited drug love, it's long lasting, hard earned, real married love.


Torrie said...

I loved these thoughts. I've been thinking a lot about this kind of subject recently--thinking about the difference between "twitterpated" love and "real" love. And even though I sometimes miss that love-as-a-drug stage, I definitely have to agree that this "real" love is infinitely better. Yes, it does require conscious effort. Yes, it does require being willing to get vulnerable again and again and again. But when you are able to do that...

It's like magic. And you ARE happy.

I totally get this post. Thanks for sharing!

Selma @ Crazy Little World Of Mine said...

What a great post girl. :D
And I love the letters on the drawer. Such a great and thoughtful idea. Just perfect.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Ashley said...

Well said, missy!

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Totally well said. I think a lot of people assume that you're not going to change throughout the course of life and marriage. You have to be able to roll through those changes together and make things work. Sometimes it's not easy. But it is worth it.

kate said...

this was beautiful and oh so true. so happy you and the halster have that great kind of love, and were able to re-connect in a real way.

also, i clicked over from my reader to comment on the post after this, which i suspect may have been taken down for some reasons... but i think you know what our vote is! and chris and i would really help you all settle in, and such, as needed. that's all and hopefully cryptic enough :)

Kell said...

I loved reading this. It's beautiful and you did a great job of writing it. And it's something I'm definitely going to keep in mind.

P.S. I sent you an email with the dress. I hope you got it.

Jacqui Clynes said...

Lovely post. Certainly gives me something to think about, I'm getting married in 2 days. And as much as we think we can be prepared, we won't ever know what it's like until we get there. I like the idea of keeping the letters in sight, that's a really practical tip.

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Hope you guys had a wonderful and Happy Valentines day!!

Jenn @ WLB said...

What a wonderful idea. I'm not married, but after a little over a year of living with my partner, I can totally understand the need to make a personal yet committed decision to make things better.

Rachel said...

Yep--a good marriage is worth working on, is worth striving for! You do need those 'talks' every once in a while to get refocused and once again make that commitment to seek the best for each other. And the married kind of love is awesome! :)

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